I miss happy...can't remember the last time ...where is it? how much is too much? when does it end? happiness...loneliness...why do they exist? what is it for anyway? what is the purpose when everything ends the same ....disappointments...it's where it all end.

I wish I can set myself free of worries, so I can go on with my daily life normally without worrying of someone needing something, or someone having health issues...I want to take my baby girl on vacation sooo bad......but I know it will just be another waste of money & time, it won't be enjoyable since all we do is worry about him if he's gonna be okay......everything is on hold in this sad life, and it's unfair to my child to have missed her childhood just because she had to grow up fast...to understand the whole situation, to make sure he's ok, that we're ok....I wish I did something different....how could anyone be so selfish? she is missing a lot of her childhood..and it's all my fault:(

I want to come home with a tidy place, not scattered, dirty and smelly. I want to sleep in a bed with white, soft and comfy sheets,sleep at night without blocking my ears, or sometimes face, oh how I don't like sharing it, I want my own scent and nobody else. I want to use a bathroom that is clean & not smelling like a public restroom, or one that I don't have to flush first because it hasn't been flushed all day. I want to just lay & relax after all day's work, not to worry of who hasn't had dinner yet or pick up stuff all over. Don't get me wrong though, i don't mind slaving myself for my child, she's all the reason I have stayed in this world, and I love every moment I have with her....it's the other party I have a hard time with...maybe I can't handle a crowd over two? my worst fear is....what if I have to do this for the next 20 years of my life? have I been really that bad to be punished this way? Ohhh... what to do, what to do....

I now believe I was supposed to be alone....- feel at ease and comfortable being alone... !But I do luv my baby girl:) I guess I just wanted a child, not a husband:( I dont want anyone in my bed, Ifeel disgusting in every possible way of my ownself:(

" T R A P P E D " - one of my most hated word, and yet I'm living it:( how do you know when enough is enough? yes, just keep on waiting, waiting for that time, will it be too late? hopefully not...karma? perhaps.. was it that bad? guess so:( how do you fix it? can't while humanity is still in me..I wish I were different...

Just got a message from someone I was close to some 30 years ago,its amazing how its like to be reminded of how special I once was....I miss my old self....I want to feel human again...where oh where do I begin?

I think I'm the most boring, ordinary , uninteresting person I can ever think of...I want to be different than what I am, I want to be somewhat normal like others, but somehow everything is odd about me...I don't like people very much, I don't like everything in the world,of course they don't know that.. I'm good at hiding it...the only human being I'm so vulnerable about is my daughter...she is the only thing that ever makes me feel any kind of human emotions...other than that...I don't think I'm capable of having any sort of human emotions or connections...isn't that odd? I've hated everything about me & my life even as a child...everyday is a struggle...

Another weekend gone by, nothing new, just usual daily disappointments. My daughter is sick again for the 2nd time in the last 4 weeks, I just wish she can get a break from all these, I want her to have at least a really good, homework free weekend, guess it won't happen 'till summer, or maybe even not at all. I think I'm cursed, my fear is that, what if it's genetic? I feel like my daughter is starting to have all the bad luck coming her way no matter what she does! I feel like it's my fault, everything is!

I am really really scared and angry at the same time...everytime my phone rings I get sick to my stomach that it could be another company informing me of the recent activity on my identity case. I hate this feeling!I did not do anything to deserve this.

So, really, why is it that when you're trying to do everything right, somehow things go wrong? On top of whatever I'm dealing in my life, now, my identity has been stolen and apparently, using my credit card and opening new one....I've been so good at safeguarding my personal info, never lost cards or id's, shredding anything that has my name & info, why me? And the sad part, I can't even find comfort on my so called husband because I have to repeat every single detail of what's going on whenever the subject comes up, well it's not just this subject, it's pretty much everything in our daily lives for the last few years now. Ohh, that's right! I am cursed!!!! dow do you break a curse????? I'm tired....and weary....

I hate my life...wait...-i think I hate me...maybe that's it!

I wonder what it's to sleep in a nice & quiet, clean fresh bed, no unwanted smells, unwanted noise, just the way you want it to be....wonder what it's like to come home to a clean and organized place, just like the way you left it in the morning rush, just the way you you want it...I think I just really want to sleep & rest peacefully...maybe I was really meant to be alone with a child....oh how much I wish to be alone....

What do I really feel? I feel so many things, yet so empty...I feel I miss someone or somebody, yet I don't know who...want to do so many things, but don't know what...
where oh where do I begin? Only one thing for sure.... is that I'm glad I have a daughter, without her, I'd be nobody...a waste of space on earth..

Meet with a friend today, haven't seen her in ages, say, 8 or 9 years? It was fun, very nice change for me, made me realize how much I've missed in life, I've been out of touch in everything aspect of life...she too had a lot of changes in life...but I think she's stronger than me in every way...she knows what she wants and put in into action, me, on the other hand, always worried about what it would do to the other person if I do it, do not want to hurt or dissatisfy anyone, guess I'll always be stuck in my own circle...what do I really want anyway?

How does it feel like, after an all day's work, to come home and just sit for a moment and breathe freely? What is it like to feel taken care of, safe & protected by your spouse? I wish...I wish...I wish upon a star.....

I wonder what it feels like to have a normal life? How do you tell someone you can't stand it being around them, but you care enough to stay? not for your own benefits, but for their own well being? when do you know it's enough? maybe when your heart just stops? Is it normal to dislike someone so much it irritates you to hear their sound? or smell? or presence? I love my daughter so much I can't risk anything...I wonder if I have humanity left in me...why do I have all these feelings?

Superbowl Sunday today! I was hoping he'd be busy watching it, but oh no, he was busy ruining our day! All I want is to take my girl practice driving then go to the mall, but he wants to tag along with us not even knowing what or where he wants!why can't we do our things separate ways? and plan to do things that we can do together without pissing each other off? yup, day didn't go well at all....what a waste of a beautiful day.

Got a lot done today! redoing the front plant & flowers, raked the leaves in the backyard,did a load of laundry, I even got to snake the shower drain, & got everything in order! yipee!!! I got to be a gardener & plumber today! now, time to sort the bills & figure out if we have enough to even pay them...

I'm actually pleased today, why? because my long lost brother who I haven't seen in about 17 years, and haven't heard in about 5 years, just added me as a friend on his facebook!!!! he facebooked me & found me!!! he had better luck than I did when I was trying to find him...I miss him...and my other brothers, some I haven't seen over 20 years...if only I'd win lottery, first thing I would do is gather all of them & save them from suffering their poverty lives...oh, & yes, my mother too..I guess.

Today was A-okay...no particular complains, except just cold & windy, but's it's okay...

So, my usual 10 minute drive to work today took me almost an hour...way to start the day! So looking forward to end the day, then I get home, and this is what I come home to, my husband, with his tv remote on hand, welcoming me, & this is how it goes:

him: sooo, you're home. by the way, I noticed that our shower seems
to be backed up again, just so you know.

me: alright, maybe this weekend I can get my snake to clean it up.

Yup! I get to be a plumber sometimes too, after playing electrician just a night before...

hi, been a while...maybe because I gave up on everything...ok, maybe not...I will try to visit this blog everyday from now on...this can be my "venting place", or my best friend (other than my daughter of course), I don't like people very much, except my daughter, people are constant disappointments.

Ok, so I just left to go pick my daughter up from school, my husband (34 yrs older than me, remember), called on my cell in a panick, that our stove oven just died on him while in the middle of cooking, our conversation goes:
me: go in the back & reset the power switch
him: hell I don't know where & how to f****n do it!
me: fine, I'll hurry home to do it myself...
This is how it always goes in our home....same goes when we have plumbing issues, no matter where I am, in fact, I always come home with our bathroon smelling like a public restroom because he's scared to flush it, "it might overflow on me & I don't know how to stop the f***n water!", is his excuse. why me???? karma????