I want to come home with a tidy place, not scattered, dirty and smelly. I want to sleep in a bed with white, soft and comfy sheets,sleep at night without blocking my ears, or sometimes face, oh how I don't like sharing it, I want my own scent and nobody else. I want to use a bathroom that is clean & not smelling like a public restroom, or one that I don't have to flush first because it hasn't been flushed all day. I want to just lay & relax after all day's work, not to worry of who hasn't had dinner yet or pick up stuff all over. Don't get me wrong though, i don't mind slaving myself for my child, she's all the reason I have stayed in this world, and I love every moment I have with her....it's the other party I have a hard time with...maybe I can't handle a crowd over two? my worst fear is....what if I have to do this for the next 20 years of my life? have I been really that bad to be punished this way? Ohhh... what to do, what to do....

I now believe I was supposed to be alone....- feel at ease and comfortable being alone... !But I do luv my baby girl:) I guess I just wanted a child, not a husband:( I dont want anyone in my bed, Ifeel disgusting in every possible way of my ownself:(

" T R A P P E D " - one of my most hated word, and yet I'm living it:( how do you know when enough is enough? yes, just keep on waiting, waiting for that time, will it be too late? hopefully not...karma? perhaps.. was it that bad? guess so:( how do you fix it? can't while humanity is still in me..I wish I were different...

Just got a message from someone I was close to some 30 years ago,its amazing how its like to be reminded of how special I once was....I miss my old self....I want to feel human again...where oh where do I begin?

I think I'm the most boring, ordinary , uninteresting person I can ever think of...I want to be different than what I am, I want to be somewhat normal like others, but somehow everything is odd about me...I don't like people very much, I don't like everything in the world,of course they don't know that.. I'm good at hiding it...the only human being I'm so vulnerable about is my daughter...she is the only thing that ever makes me feel any kind of human emotions...other than that...I don't think I'm capable of having any sort of human emotions or connections...isn't that odd? I've hated everything about me & my life even as a child...everyday is a struggle...

Another weekend gone by, nothing new, just usual daily disappointments. My daughter is sick again for the 2nd time in the last 4 weeks, I just wish she can get a break from all these, I want her to have at least a really good, homework free weekend, guess it won't happen 'till summer, or maybe even not at all. I think I'm cursed, my fear is that, what if it's genetic? I feel like my daughter is starting to have all the bad luck coming her way no matter what she does! I feel like it's my fault, everything is!

I am really really scared and angry at the same time...everytime my phone rings I get sick to my stomach that it could be another company informing me of the recent activity on my identity case. I hate this feeling!I did not do anything to deserve this.