I miss happy...can't remember the last time ...where is it? how much is too much? when does it end? happiness...loneliness...why do they exist? what is it for anyway? what is the purpose when everything ends the same ....disappointments...it's where it all end.

I wish I can set myself free of worries, so I can go on with my daily life normally without worrying of someone needing something, or someone having health issues...I want to take my baby girl on vacation sooo bad......but I know it will just be another waste of money & time, it won't be enjoyable since all we do is worry about him if he's gonna be okay......everything is on hold in this sad life, and it's unfair to my child to have missed her childhood just because she had to grow up fast...to understand the whole situation, to make sure he's ok, that we're ok....I wish I did something different....how could anyone be so selfish? she is missing a lot of her childhood..and it's all my fault:(

I want to come home with a tidy place, not scattered, dirty and smelly. I want to sleep in a bed with white, soft and comfy sheets,sleep at night without blocking my ears, or sometimes face, oh how I don't like sharing it, I want my own scent and nobody else. I want to use a bathroom that is clean & not smelling like a public restroom, or one that I don't have to flush first because it hasn't been flushed all day. I want to just lay & relax after all day's work, not to worry of who hasn't had dinner yet or pick up stuff all over. Don't get me wrong though, i don't mind slaving myself for my child, she's all the reason I have stayed in this world, and I love every moment I have with her....it's the other party I have a hard time with...maybe I can't handle a crowd over two? my worst fear is....what if I have to do this for the next 20 years of my life? have I been really that bad to be punished this way? Ohhh... what to do, what to do....

I now believe I was supposed to be alone....- feel at ease and comfortable being alone... !But I do luv my baby girl:) I guess I just wanted a child, not a husband:( I dont want anyone in my bed, Ifeel disgusting in every possible way of my ownself:(

" T R A P P E D " - one of my most hated word, and yet I'm living it:( how do you know when enough is enough? yes, just keep on waiting, waiting for that time, will it be too late? hopefully not...karma? perhaps.. was it that bad? guess so:( how do you fix it? can't while humanity is still in me..I wish I were different...

Just got a message from someone I was close to some 30 years ago,its amazing how its like to be reminded of how special I once was....I miss my old self....I want to feel human again...where oh where do I begin?

I think I'm the most boring, ordinary , uninteresting person I can ever think of...I want to be different than what I am, I want to be somewhat normal like others, but somehow everything is odd about me...I don't like people very much, I don't like everything in the world,of course they don't know that.. I'm good at hiding it...the only human being I'm so vulnerable about is my daughter...she is the only thing that ever makes me feel any kind of human emotions...other than that...I don't think I'm capable of having any sort of human emotions or connections...isn't that odd? I've hated everything about me & my life even as a child...everyday is a struggle...